Monday, April 02, 2007


Firstly, if there are any regular readers, I must make one final and sincere apology. I started this blog almost a year ago with a lot of time on my hands. I was able to post on a daily basis along with researching social anxiety. I no longer have that freedom to spend hours and hours making my way through vague ideas and turning them into something usable. But it's not just that. I have a confession to make, for I am a compulsive procrastinator.

I know I said, quite enthusiastically, that I would pick this blog back up and start posting something worthwhile. Then. There was silence. I haven't completely backed down from my original statements, but my progress is slow in a world full of distractions, so I'm making a new statement. I may or may not post here on a regular basis, and I may or may not offer information that will be of your benefit, but if you do pop by, then there may or may not be some worthy reading. I'm making no more promises, no more structured plans, but I will continue to progress in my own way and you'll probably see a few posts about it. And I do continue to make my own progress following much of what you read here and then some... Try it for yourself.

Anyway, back on topic. Reading the comments, something jumped out at me (Thanks for all the comments by the way, it's always encouraging to see people showing an interest in what I write). It jumped out because it was something I realised could be misinterpreted when I originally wrote about it but for some reason I still neglected to elaborate. This is not to say that the commenter did misinterpret my words, but the words he used are very common and often used in negative expression. This is what caught my attention:

"I've also been trying to cultivate a 'fuck you' attitude..."

Very much like the original post I made, comments like this can be interpreted in two very different ways. Opposites in fact. The 'fuck you attitude' is often used by those who are the most insecure and low on self-esteem, followed by the words 'Am I bovvered?' If you use that phrase, then yes, you probably are bothered. You probably even cry yourself to sleep about it. That is exactly where the 'fuck you' attitude comes from. It's a defence, a way in which you can (very badly) hide your pain and fears from those around you. What it really says is, 'yes, I am bothered, but I don't want you to know that because I don't want you getting one over on me.' Now there's something enlightening. You're worried about someone getting one over on you? Someone else? It's just another case of you being worried of what others think of you, which is the exact opposite of a real 'fuck you, I don't give a shit' attitude.

What I'm talking about is something else entirely. I'm talking about redeveloping your habitual ways of thinking and not just brushing the surface of your conscious thoughts. You can be all 'fuck you, I don't care', even start shooting everyone up with an AK47 at school if you want, but you're not going to be any better off for it. You can develop this attitude consciously, and many people do, but rarely do these people have a positive fundamental belief system. They still possess all the fear they had in the first place, and often more. I'm talking about something positive. A gift to yourself. Something which is extremely difficult to do but will be extremely rewarding if you give yourself the chance to do it. I'm talking about being you, and having the courage to be you, taking the responsibility, the decisions and everything else that comes with the package and standing up for what you are. If someone doesn't like you. Fuck them. So long as you like yourself. What I'm really talking about, is self-esteem, the confidence to be yourself, but trying to travel through the motions of explaining its presence, or lack of and why it exists in some but not others. I'm trying to explain where to find it.

I would write more but I've got things to do (this has been very rushed so I hope it makes sense). I will try to find some time to put this into words more lucid sometime in the near future.